Horoscopes

Aries ♈

 

Birth date: 21 March – 19 April

* Love is in the air for one lucky person this week, not specifically you. Although vodka and lager will help, so head to your local to enhance your chances.

 

Taurus ♉

Birth date: 20 April – 20 May

* You might find yourself in a spot of bother today at work. The stars suggest you blame Barbara, as after her episode at last year’s Christmas party, everyone is still wary of her anyway.

 

Gemini ♊

Birth date: 21 May – 21 June

* An ex you still love will reach out and get in touch this week. They left their favorite trainers under the bed.

 

Cancer ♋

Birth date: 22 June – 22 July

* It is important that you spend the whole of this week researching the ‘mountain Pygmy Possum’. You may, or may not ever need this information. But what you find by the end of it all, is you know much more about ‘mountain Pygmy Possum’.

 

Leo ♌

Birth date: 23 July – 22 August

* A horoscope will dramatically change your life today. It will inspire courage, spark love, and riches will flow. Do not miss this chance. However not this horoscope, most definitely not.

 

Virgo ♍

Birth date: 23 August – 22 September

* Virgos are known for their implausible wit, astounding aptitude and magnificent beauty. Just keep being awesome, you cheeky devil. (in writing this, it is only by mystical chance that I am in fact a Virgo).

 

Libra ♎

Birth date: 23 September – 23 October

* You should take a chance and open up. Live life to the full and put your faith in humanity. Unless someone with a foreign accent called ‘John’ calls and asks you blindly for your bank details.

 

Scorpio ♏

Birth date: 24 October – 21 November

* Uranus is clearly visible this week and will determine other people’s perception of you dramatically. Therefore clean underwear is essential.

 

Sagittarius ♐

Birth date: 22 November – 21 December

* Wendy in accounts will make a pass at you this week near the water cooler. Though do not forget that only last week she sent Derek a saucy email. Saturn advises carelessness killed the cat, or was that curiosity?

 

Capricorn ♑

Birth date: 22 December – 19 January

* If the moon and the sun collide at some point this week, then sadly, I think we’re all dead.

 

Aquarius ♒

Birth date: 20 January – 18 February

* A childhood crush will add you online this week to spark romance. However they’ve gained 7 stone and still live with their Mum.

 

Pisces ♓

Birth date: 19 February – 20 March

* You will decide to be adventurous this week, and order that thing off the menu that you’ve always talked about. You will also contract food poisoning.