Comedy Fun

Lads hilarious effort to rent his Mother out to Premier League striker

He 'Defoe' needs a PA
Tom Culshaw
Written by Tom Culshaw
He 'Defoe' needs a PA

He ‘Defoe’ needs a PA

Premier League striker Jermain Defoe publicly advertised for a PA, and the criteria was detailed to say the least. It seems working 90 minutes a week is too much for the footballers of today. Below, is a lads application for the role, and its quite hilarious. We wonder if his Mum got the job?

Dear Mr Defoe,

I would like to offer my Mother’s candidature for the advertised role as your ‘personal assistant’. Throughout my career as something or other, I have picked up qualities and traits that would meet and exceed your expectations (in certain aspects of the job specification); therefore I shall be acting as a direct manager and interpreter for my Mother.

I note the following integral features of the role;

* Organise all Jermaine’s personal needs i.e. drycleaners, gardeners, house refurbishments, sourcing interior designers and everyday task etc.

* Regularly checking the home when Jermaine is away, making sure all is in place for his return i.e. fridge is stocked and plants watered and house is clean.

* Select and organise wardrobe with specific designers for special events/appearances i.e. Oswald boateng, Harrods, ZAP etc.

* The assistant will also plan early events including family birthdays, organise family holidays and individual holidays, create an inventory for holiday villas, and “manage and organise individual family members (Sandra, Andre, Chonte and Chase, family pets)”.

Number one, dry cleaning. Fear not Jermaine we have that covered. I can lend you (for the term of the contract only) my washing basket. It’s an unbelievable creation, and the principles of the invention are ever so simple. In the morning, I carefully put dirty clothes into the basket, and when I return only hours later, my clothes are fully laundered and folded on my bed. It is not fully known what mystical power consumes ‘the basket’, but it’s a real time saver.

Number two, gardening. Now, we’re not very keen gardeners if I’m honest, however I do know a bloke who can tarmac your full lawn, remove any kitchen appliance from your drive, while throwing in a Jack Russell for only £80. The dog is like a sign up gift, I believe he adopted the notion from ‘compare the market’s’ Meerkat venture.

Number three, this free house you speak of. I will personally handle this piece of business myself. Dedicated to the cause, I and several of my friends will each look after the premises while you’re away. A full house will ensure potential burglars, murders, Adam Johnson or predators are kept at bay, and invited guests can browse the premises for future potential realty opportunities.

Number four, a fully stocked fridge. Within our working relationship, we will each have to compromise on this one. The ‘big shop’ is completed each Thursday, therefore expect a fully equipped fridge until approximately Sunday. I have a rather big family; in fact it’s quite ridiculous really. As a grown man I have to hide my chocolate milk from my 3 year old nephew. I usually conceal the wonderful beverage under lettuce or peppers, so you’ll have to find your own safe haven. We will discuss this in more detail at the face to face interview.

Number five, ‘Select and organise wardrobe with specific designers for special events/appearances i.e. Oswald boateng, Harrods, ZAP etc.’ Both myself and my Mother have a real eye for a bargain. Occasionally Matalan have great seasonal offers at this time of year, and Barbara still works there I believe, so we may even be able to squeeze a cheeky discount as well.

The final bullet point is potentially a game changer. “Manage and organise individual family members (Sandra, Andre, Chonte and Chase, family pets)”. Now Jermaine, are Sandre, Andre, Chonte and Chase your cats, dogs or your children? I offer a strict no cat’s policy. I do not trust them. I am also allergic. If this is a problem, I am willing to re home them for you free of charge at my local Chinese takeaway. If they are in fact your children, how exactly would you like me to organise them? Into a particular battle formation perhaps, in height, or into some sort of family human pyramid?

I hope the above has showcased the obvious attributes required for this role. Fully equipped with the help of my Mother, I fully believe Jermaine that we can look after you. It must be ever so difficult to juggle your hectic daily 4 hour training sessions, incessant stream of income and endless proposal’s from blonde idiots with no GCSE’s.

I will even stay up to watch Match of the day with you and praise you (without question) on your performance. My Mother at this point will most likely be asleep however, as your more often than not the last game to show.

Kind regards,

My mum and I.

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