Having a boring day at the office or at uni, daydreaming about which pubs, bars or nightclubs you will be heading to this weekend? If so here is a few jokes to break up the mediocrity of the daily grind.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes ‘that’s a big effort.’ The man replies ‘you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.’ Curiously the bartender asks ‘what have you got mate?’ to which the man replies ‘no money.’
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies ‘no charge’
A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, he decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man ‘mate do you know how fast you were going?’ The man replies ‘How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.’
A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing ‘hari-krishna.’ The bartender says to them ‘what is this some kind of bad joke?’
A penguin walks into a bar and with a sense of urgency asks the bar man ‘sir have you seen my brother, he’s missing and I can’t find him’ to which the bar man replies ‘what does he look like?’
A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ‘all bouncers are assholes!!! ‘A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells ‘you better fucking take that back.’ Shocked, the man says ‘why, are you a bouncer?’ to which he replies ‘no, I’m an asshole.’
A policeman is staking out a pub for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the pub, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the copper is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyser test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says ‘how is this possible?’ The guy says, I’m the designated decoy.
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!” The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”
What does a termite say when he walks into a bar? “Is the bar tender here?”